


Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

by sadbirthdaypartysongs



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Connor is trying guys, Evan Hansen Has Anxiety, Jared Kleinman Is a Good Friend, M/M, OOC Connor, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Psychological Horror, Recreational Drug Use, Suicide, Temporary Character Death, Underage Drinking, but like only in the first chapter, he really is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-08-24 17:39:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 18,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16644770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadbirthdaypartysongs/pseuds/sadbirthdaypartysongs
Summary: Evan Hansen killed himself only to wake up on first day of Senior year again. Believing that he has gotten a second chance, he befriends Connor Murphy. When weird and unexplainable things start to happen, Evan's world slowly unravels.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter edited as of 12/09/18

All Evan could hear was cicadas chirping around him as he lamely swung back and forth on a swing in the middle of an empty park. The nights were getting colder, his breath formed into fog as it left his mouth. He pulled on his hoodie string absentmindedly and stared into the dark. There was almost no light in this park besides a flickering streetlamp that stood over by the play set. The air of creepiness it gave off was almost enough push to get Evan to go home. Almost.

Evan thought it was poetic, killing himself in the same park- in the same way- that Connor had. Surprisingly, it wasn't a long walk from his house from here. It was only a couple of blocks. That thought made Evan shiver, how could he sleep soundly in bed while a few blocks away a kid had killed himself? 

He wondered what Connor's last thoughts were before he killed himself. Were they about his family? About how that creepy weirdo wrote a letter about his sister? Evan sighed, finally bringing out the bottle of pills that sat waiting in his pocket. The pills rattled as his hands shook. 

"'Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be a good day and here's why: Because today you're leaving and you will no longer be a burden to anyone. Because, let's face it, they hate you. Jared, Alana, Zoe, The Murphy's, even your own mother. Then there's Connor. All my hope was pinned on Connor, who I didn't even know and didn't know me. I just wanted to be a part of something. Your best and most dearest friend Me'" He muttered quietly to himself, quoting the note that was in his pocket.

Evan didn't realize he was crying until a tear dropped from his chin onto his palm. He roughly rubbed at his face in an attempt to make himself stop crying but he knew that it wouldn't work. Evan opened the bottle of pills, dropping the cap on the ground and shuffling a couple onto his palm. He didn't seem to notice the figure that appeared underneath the flickering streetlamp. 

"Hey." Evan froze. He knew who it was even though he had rarely heard his voice in the past. It was hard to forget the malice in his voice when he stormed out of the computer lab, the first day of senior year.

"Connor?" He needed to make sure, twisting in the swing to see the tall and lanky teen standing there.

It looked like Connor, but at the same time it didn't. This Connor gave off a different aura than the Connor Evan knew. This one seemed calm and at peace, while the other was angry and lashed out. Somehow Evan knew that despite all that, that this was the same Connor.

"In the flesh," he made a sweeping gesture to his body before sitting down in the swing next to Evan. "Or, kind of."

"What are you doing here?"

Connor looked away from Evan and stared at the moon. "Dying alone sucks." He shrugged.

"That's kind of you." Evan couldn't take his eyes off of Connor. The two sat in silence for a long time, Connor just sitting there while Evan looked back on his life. Memories of his mom and dad taking him to an orchard by his grandma's house that made him fall in love with trees, when he met Jared for the first time, and finally when he used Connor's suicide for his own gain.

"Did you kill yourself because of me?" Evan flinched when Connor barked out a laugh. Connor looked at the blond boy.

"A lot of things had been going on in my life, Ev. Things just piled up. It's not necessarily your fault." Evan nodded and looked down, he didn't know what to say. Before they could sit in silence again, he heard a sigh from Connor.

"Take the pills, Evan." That shook Evan back into reality, the weight of the pills in his hand came back to him. He looked down and nodded before placing some of the medicine in his mouth followed by a swig of water.

"See? Not that hard is it?" Connor asked rhetorically. Nausea bloomed in Evan's stomach. "Don't worry, I felt that way too."

Evan finished off the bottle and drank the rest of the water. He regretted drinking water to down the pills because he forgot how sick he always gets from it. He should have brought juice.

Connor snorted. "Imagine people finding you with a bottle of juice." Evan realized he said that out loud.

"It would be a sight to see, I guess?" Evan stuttered through his sentence. He couldn't get over the nauseating feeling in his stomach. Connor didn't reply. Minutes went by and then the world spun. Evan gripped onto the swing's chain in an attempt to not fall, but he missed and fell backwards. He vaguely saw Connor lay down with him, the weight of a hand pressed into his.

"Hey," Connor murmured, Evan could barely hear him from his head spinning wildly. "You're almost there." He sounded so soft, nothing like how Evan thought the real Connor would act.

"Thanks for being here." Evan's voice carried weakly as his eyes slipped shut.

"I'll see you in the morning." That confused Evan, but he had no time to think about what Connor meant before his world went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> edited: 12/18/18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the obligatory first day of school chapter
> 
> I might not always update twice in one day, but I just got excited and I'm impatient lmao
> 
> Sorry for any spelling mistakes, I'm writing on my phone
> 
> Again, comment and subscribe :)  
> Criticism is welcome, but please be nice?

Evan woke to his alarm going off. The high pitched screeching piercing into the migraine forming around his eyes. He rolled over, flailing out his arm to shut it off. A twinge of pain moved up his arm, it felt heavier than normal. He groaned and rolled back over, pulling the duvet back over his head only for his eyes to snap open.

"What the hell?" He shot out of bed with a start, his vision tilting slightly from moving so fast. "What's going on?"

"Evan?" A knock sounded on his door, before it opened. His mother stood in the doorway, the frown on her face made her look older than she was. She was dressed for work, or she had just gotten home from work. Her schedule was so chaotic nowadays. "So you decided not to eat last night?"

Evan’s head spun, cringing as the pain in his head intensified. How could she act like nothing happened last night? Like he hadn’t tried to kill himself. Wait, how did he even get home?

"What?" She held up the $20 bill in her hand. Evan didn’t remember her leaving him any money last night.

"Oh." Evan muttered, not meeting her gaze.

"Have you been writing those letters to yourself? 'Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here's why:’?" He knew that Heidi was changing the subject. She always did when she knew that Evan wouldn’t open up to her. She stepped into the room, Evan felt weighed down by her stare.

"What?" He asked again, he couldn't help but feel like this was a familiar conversation he had before. "What are you talking about?"

"Those letters are important, honey! They're gonna help you build your confidence!" Heidi’s demeanor changed into a more cheery facade. Her smile seemed forced.

"I guess?"

"Come on, get ready for school! It's your first day of senior year." Heidi didn't seem to notice her son’s face lose all of its color. "I'm so proud of you, Evan.” She seemed so sincere, giving him a hug before leaving the room to let him change.

Evan's breathing was shallow as he picked up his phone to look at the date. September 3rd. It's like nothing happened at all. No note being found, no lies being told, no Evan killing himself in a park. Was it all a dream?

It was like a thin veil was placed over the world as he numbly went around his room getting dressed for the day, nothing felt real. As he was putting on his pants, he froze to look at the blank, white cast that was on his right arm again. He grabbed his bag and made his way down stairs where his mom was waiting for him.

"I had an idea," Heidi started. She held out a black sharpie in front of her. "Why don't you go around and ask the other kids to sign your cast?"

“Okay.”

“Okay, honey, I've got to get to work. I'll see you later tonight. Don't forget about your appointment with Dr. Sherman after school!” Evan could hear the rest of her sentence faintly as she rushed out the door.

Evan didn’t eat breakfast. Even if it was a dream, he could still feel the nausea from the pills he took, or didn’t take. The thought of it made his head hurt even worse, so he stopped trying to think about it. He grabbed a juice from the fridge and left his house.

When Evan walked into the school building, Alana approached him. "Hey, how was your summer?" Evan barely got a word out before she continued. "Mine was productive. I did 3 internships and 90 hours of community service. I know: wow!"

Evan felt sick, not because of the dream pills, but because he's had this exact conversation with Alana before. In his maybe-not-so-much-now dream. The world quieted down but seemed to get so much louder at the same time. He could vaguely hear what Alana was saying and his own half-assed replies. After she asked about his cast only to cut him off and tell him about her grandma, he knew he needed to make a break for it.

"It was really nice talking to you, Alana, but I need to go.” Evan rushed off to his locker, just barely hearing the disheartened farewell from Alana. He felt bad, cutting her off like that, but he had bigger things to deal with.

It took six tries for Evan to open his locker with his hands shaking worse than they normally do. His mind could barely hold on to a thought long enough for him to make sense of it. He didn’t even notice Jared come up behind him until he spoke.

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jacking off or do you consider that an honor?" Jared laughed as Evan jumped so violently that he slammed his head on the top of his locker.

“Just imagine this,” he continued. “You have Zoe Murphy’s instagram pulled up on your weird off-brand cell phone-”

“That’s not what happened.” Evan closed his eyes and rested his head against the locker next to his open one. Tears started to form in his eyes as the stress of today got to him.

"Evan, it was just a joke." Jared looked helplessly at the boy. Evan sniffled, wiping his nose on his jacket sleeve, and nodded.

"Yeah, no, it was funny. I'm laughing. Can't you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?" The venom in his voice surprised himself more so than Jared.

"Whatever, then why are you crying?" Jared huffed out, glaring at the blond.

"Stress." Evan hiccupped. His breathing started to grow shallow as the feeling of his classmates’ stares pierced into his back. Evan knew he was an ugly crier, his eyes became red and puffy while snot dripped down his nose. He coughed away a sob that threatened to escape from his chest.

"Hey, Connor!” Evan’s veins turned to ice as Jared got Connor’s attention. He turned to look at the brunette who stopped in the middle of the hallway.

“Jared, no-” Evan’s attempt to quiet Jared failed as the other cut him off.

“Loving the new hair length, very school shooter chic." Connor glared at Jared. Evan could see Connor’s fists tighten around his messenger bag strap. "God it was just a joke."

"Yeah, no, it was funny. I'm laughing. Can't you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?" Connor snapped. Jared took a step back to look between Evan and Connor, shock written all over his face.

"What the fuck?" Jared’s eyes finally settled on Connor. “God, you're such a freak!”

"I'm not the freak! He's the fucking freak!" Connor stormed off. Even when the situation was changed, Connor’s insult was still pointed toward Evan. The thin veil came over the world again as Evan turned toward his locker to grab his books. The bell rings, causing Jared to curse and speed down the hallway, leaving Evan alone with his emptiness.

\-------

The cloudiness never really left Evan as he drifted through his classes in a daze. At the end of the day, he found himself in the computer lab staring blankly at the blinking cursor on the open word document. Every idea he came up with for his letter was quickly scrapped since he couldn’t exactly write about how he killed himself only to wake up the next day and relive the worst last months of his life. He would sound crazy, and Dr. Sherman would definitely send him away if he spoke about that. He typed out:

'Dear Evan Hansen,'

Leaning back into the spinny chair he was sitting in and putting his head in his hands. Before sitting back up about and typing out:

'It turns out that today wasn't an amazing day after all. It's not going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it?'

Evan typed out the rest of the first letter he wrote, then deleted it. He couldn't write about Zoe. Besides, he wasn’t quite sure that he wanted to anymore. When Jared had brought up Zoe earlier, Evan didn’t feel his heart jump like it usually did. It was like all of the feelings he had for her were gone.

His mind wandered to Connor. The boy who was always angry. The boy that Evan doesn’t know, but he wished he did.

'I know, because there's them and all my hope is pinned on them, who I don't even know and doesn't know me.'

Evan fingers stopped over the keyboard as he heard the computer lab door open. He turned around to Connor Murphy standing there bashfully.

"Hey." Connor was looking at Evan's arm. "Uh, how'd you break your arm?"

"Oh, uh, I fell out of a tree." Evan blushed.

"Well isn't that the saddest thing I've ever fucking heard." Evan huffed out a small laugh, and the conversation died after that.

"No one's signed your cast." Connor waved his hand toward the plaster. Evan shook his head. "I could sign it."

"Oh, you don't have to."

"Do you have a sharpie?" Connor asked, Evan pulled the marker out of his back pocket and gave it to the other boy.

Connor reached for Evan's broken arm and tugged it closer to him. Evan let out a small sound of pain and Connor instantly apologized. Soon, the word ‘Connor’ was written in all capital letters across Evan's cast.

"Oh, thanks." Evan muttered.

"There," Connor nodded, seemingly proud of himself, letting Evan's arm go. "Now we can pretend we both have friends."

In the spur of the moment Evan blurted, "What if we don't have to pretend?" Connor’s hand froze while handing Evan his marker back. The brunette took a few moments to reply.

"Why?" He asked, confusion written all over his face.

"Well, you seem nice?" Evan didn't mean for it to sound like a question. "And you're the only one who's signed my cast. Even Jared wouldn't do that."

Connor seemed to think about it for a moment. "Okay." He finally said. "Let me see your arm."

Evan lifted his casted arm again and Connor took the marker from Evan's hand, writing his number in the first 'O' in his name.

"Uh, text me." Then Connor left the computer lab, a small smile graced his face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> edited: 12/18/18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a bit late, but here you go!
> 
> Let me tell you, this was so awkward. This is my first chaptered story that I've ever written, so my writing may be awkward in some places (like this chapter), so please bare with me!
> 
> Next chapter up soon, maybe comment and subscribe?
> 
> Criticism is allowed, but please be nice?

Evan stared at his phone on the coffee table in front of his couch, where he sat. It was open to compose a new message, Connor's number in the contact box.

Should he just say 'hi'? That seemed to nonchalant. What about 'Hello, this is Evan'? No, that's way to formal. Evan shook his head, his anxiety getting the best of him. He took a couple deep breaths before grabbing his phone and typing out and sending:

Hey.

And then:

It's Evan.

He dropped his phone back on the coffee table and tried to pay attention to the TV. Some mindless show trying to hard to be funny was playing. A laughing track played every few seconds. It seemed like they were laughing at him and not whatever character made a not so funny remark.

Evan's phone beeped. A new message popped up on his screen.

Connor: Hey, what's up?

That was quick. Evan noticed that Connor texted with proper grammar and not text talk like Jared does. Evan's texting was usually littered with typos from his shaky hands.

Evan: Nothnig just watching a randpm tv show yuo?

It took a couple more minutes for Connor to reply.

Connor: Want to hang out?

A nervous jolt shot through Evan’s chest. Only a few hours had passed since the two boys had last seen each other and Connor wanted to hang out so suddenly? Evan slowly picked up his phone again and typed out his reply before he could change his mind.

Evan: Sure

After Connor asked for Evan's address and Evan sending it, the texts stopped. The show playing in the background changed to the 6 o'clock news, so he half paid attention to it. His mind wandered to the weirdness of today. Evan couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that a few hours prior, he was taking pills alone in a park. Whenever he tried to think about it, a headache started to form behind his eyes. A knock at the door broke Evan out of his train of thought.

“Time flies when you’re having an existential crisis.” He muttered to himself. 

He rose and made his way to the door, taking a deep breath before opening it. Connor stood there, his fist still up and about to knock again, stopping just in time to not hit Evan in the face. The brunette muttered an apology.

"Hi," Evan cringed at how awkward his greeting was. He tried to smile, but it came out as more of a grimace. "Uh, come in."

"Thanks," Connor stepped in and nudged off his shoes, looking around Evan's house with an inquisitive look. "Nice house."

"Thanks." Evan squeaked. The conversation died off and Evan tried his best to revive it. "Do you want anything to drink?"

Connor shook his head.

"I don't usually have people over," Evan tried again. "Well, Jared comes over, but that's mainly to get his car insurance paid."

"He sounds like a dick." Connor snorted.

"Yeah, but he's nice to be around." Evan shrugged, Jared wasn't always rude, it was mainly in public when Jared thought Evan would make him look uncool. "What do you want to do?"

The brunette sat on the couch, shrugging. "20 questions? You know, get to know each other if we're going to be friends and all."

"Okay." Evan nodded and sat down next to Connor. Not too close to be invasive, but close enough to show that Evan was listening.

"You go first."

"Oh." Evan wasn't good at this kind of thing. He actually wasn't good at a lot of things and quickly thinking of questions was definitely one of them. "Favorite color?"

Connor exhaled a laugh through his nose. "I didn't realize this was second grade." Before Evan could apologise and ask another question Connor answered, “Purple. Yours?"

That took Evan by surprise. He expected him to say 'black' or 'grey' or some other angsty color like that. Not purple. "A lot of people think my favorite color is blue. Cause I'm always wearing it. It's actually taupe."

Connor hummed. "Taupe is a nice color, I guess."

The awkward energy in the air never dissipated. It stayed like that the entire time the two boys hung out, shooting questions back and forth to each other in an attempt to get to know the other. Evan was learning things about Connor he was sure that not a lot of people knew. Like how his favorite book was the Little Prince. Or how he loved acoustic songs over songs with heavy sounds.

The longer they spoke, Evan started noticing things about Connor. His hair was slightly greasy and he had purple bags under his eyes and his skin was sickly pale. Connor's fingers were almost skeletal and had a slight tremor in them.

Evan was hit with the harsh reality that this Connor was nothing like the Connor that Evan made up in his head. Not the one he brought to life in the letters. This Connor had a complex personality, not one that Evan had thought up on the fly. This Connor was human. 

Evan's train of thought was broken by the sound of a phone ringing.

"Hold on." Connor dug his phone out of his pocket. It was sleek and new and not at all like Evan's banged up, weird off brand cell phone. "Hello?" Connor answered. A small woman's voice spoke back.

"Mom, I'm at a friend's house. Proof? Oh my god, give me a second." He looked down at his phone before pressing a few buttons and suddenly a face appeared on the screen. "Happy? Proof that I'm not at some dodgy place getting high off my ass."

"Who's that?" Connor's mom, Cynthia, didn't look as old as she did when Evan knew her. She looked a lot happier. He guessed it was because Connor hadn't killed himself. Yet.

"This is Evan." Connor made a show of moving the camera onto the blond. "Evan, say hi."

"Hi!" The sound he made was more of a yelp of surprise.

"He seems lovely, Connor, but I need you back home. You've been gone for a couple hours." Evan glanced at the clock, surprised to see that two hours had passed since Connor first came to his house. The brunette looked shocked as well.

Connor sighed wearily. "I'll start heading out then." A quick, 'see you soon' sounded over the phone before the call ended. Connor stood up. "I have to go, obviously, but it was nice hanging out with you, Evan."

"It was nice hanging out with you too." Evan showed Connor to the door. He watched as Connor made his way across the grass to his car. Before shutting the door Evan called out. "I'll see you tomorrow!"

Connor turned and waved slightly, "see you tomorrow." He started up the car and then he was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 4!
> 
> Some plot in this chapter
> 
> Though I am kind of winging it, I've thought of a pretty good plot twist. This chapter has some points leading up to it (and it's probably really easy to guess but let me have this). But the twist won't come until later in the story.

When Evan wakes up the next morning it's to the sounds of sirens. His head is pounding and the knocking on the door doesn't help. He pulls the blanket over his head as if that would help mute the sounds. 

"Evan, sweetie." His mother called from behind the door. "It's time to get up for school."

Evan groaned and rolled over in bed. Wincing and shielding his eyes when he flicks on his bedside lamp. "What's going on? Why are there sirens outside?"

The door opened and Heidi's face appeared in the empty space. "What sirens? I don't hear anything. Are you feeling okay, honey?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm okay." Evan felt his stomach drop. The sirens were faint now, but they were so loud a couple of minutes ago. A feeling of unease curled in his gut.

Evan couldn't shake the headache that formed this morning. The school's overhead lighting made the pounding behind his eyes even worse. He groaned and kept his head down. 

"Hey." Jared was waiting for him at his locker. "How're you doing? You seemed pretty upset yesterday." No matter how many times Jared preached about his car insurance and being 'family friends', Evan knew that Jared cared about him. They grew up together so some sort of bond had formed.

"Yeah." Evan gave Jared a small smile before wincing. "I just have this raging headache." 

"Does Evan Hansen, angel incarnate, have a hangover?" Jared snickered and bumped shoulders with him. Evan huffed out a laugh and shook his head, grabbing his books out of his locker.

"Evan!" Connor jogged slightly to catch up with the pair. Jared glared while Evan beamed. The action caused his migraine to flare, but he couldn't care less about it right now. Connor was here. Connor was alive.

"What are you doing here?" Jared side-eyed Connor. "You need something?"

"Jared," Evan nudged the boy. "Be nice. Connor and I are friends now."

Jared looked shocked for a moment before schooling his expression. He looked between the two in front of him before releasing a heavy sigh. "And when did this happen?" 

"Yesterday, after school." Connor supplied, his voice tight. "I came and apologized for the way I acted that morning."

Jared nodded, seemingly in thought, before asking with a hint of playfulness, "Is this some gay thing?"

Evan blanched. "What? No!" 

"Whatever," Jared rolled his eyes. To say Evan was surprised would be an understatement. Jared, who had hated Connor literally the day before, was just accepting that Connor and Evan were now friends. "Let's get you to the nurse." 

"Nurse?" Connor asked. "What's wrong?"

"I just have a headache." Evan tried to shrug nonchalantly, but his awkward nature didn't allow him to. 

As the three walked down the hallway, the sounds of sirens returned. It was quiet at first, steadily growing louder until it sounded like Evan was standing right next to an ambulance.

"Do you hear that?" Evan whispered, clutching his head.

Connor paused his walking. "Hear what?"

"Evan?" Jared stepped closer to the blond, worry etched on his face. "Are you okay?" 

"I've been hearing sirens. Ever since I woke up. My mom, she didn't hear them, but they're so loud." Evan's eyes stung as tears threatened to fall. He shook his head as the pain dulled down again. "I just need to get to the nurse."

Connor and Jared shared a look. One of them grabbed Evan's elbow, guiding him down the hallway to the office. Connor quickly explained that Evan needed some headache relief, the nurse handed over two tablets to the blond.

"Thank you." He looked down at the pills, his stomach suddenly queasy. Visions of the night at the park came flooding back. Evan downed the pills and chugged some water. The sick feeling never leaving his stomach. 

"Now get to class!" The nurse snapped, urging them out the door. Jared departed from the group when they passed the hallway his class was held in. He said a quick goodbye, and told Evan to feel better soon. 

"So," Connor started, as they stopped outside Evan's classroom. He twisted the ring he wore on his middle finger, one he got from Zoe a couple of years ago Evan learned from playing 20 questions. "My mom wants me to invite you to dinner."

Evan froze. Dinner at the Murphy's sounded like a horrible idea. What if he slips up and says something he's not supposed to know? Or they hate him still? 

Connor must have seen the fear in his eyes, because he quickly amended. "You dont have to, of course!"

"No! I'll go!" Evan yelped.

Connor smiled, a wide genuine smile. It made Evan's heart do a flip and he smiled back. 

"I'll text you the details. Though I will warn you, my parents are a bit much."

Evan nodded, slightly turning toward the classroom door. He looked back at the boy standing behind him. "I'll see you at lunch?" Connor nodded and started walking toward his class.

Just for a second, Evan could see red and blue flashing lights in the corner of his eye.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edited: 12/29/18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The positive comments I've been getting for this story is insane! This is the first story I've written in ages and I thought my writing has been horrible since I'm rusty. So thank you all for helping me continue this story.
> 
> Here's chapter 5!
> 
> Chapter 6 should be out in the next couple of days.
> 
> Please comment and subscribe!

By the time lunch came around, Evan's headache was completely gone. No sirens, no lights, no pain. Like it never even happened. He just felt fine.

Evan never eats lunch at school. With the lines always seeming so long, choosing between the two meal options the school gives, and having money out by the time you're at the end of the line, it made Evan's already bad anxiety even worse. So he made his way to the empty table he always sits at. It was tucked away in a back corner by the locked bathrooms no one can use since they found kids smoking weed in it Evan's freshmen year.

The class period Evan has right before lunch is right next to the cafeteria making it so he's one of the first people in the room. He digs his phone out of his pocket, places his earphones in his ear, and doesn't play music. He sits there scrolling mindlessly on instagram, not touching the packed lunch in front of him.

"You gonna eat that?" Connor's voice rang out behind Evan making him jump. 

"Yes?" It came out as a question. "I was just waiting for you to show up." Evan placed his phone facedown on the table.

"Oh." An emotion that Evan couldn't decipher crossed Connor's face and his ears turned red. "That was nice of you." He sat down in the chair next to the blond's.

The two sat in silence. He reached for his lunch noticing that Connor didn't have one. That made Evan curious, he knew that the Murphy's coukd afford school lunch, so why didn't he get any?

"Do you want my pudding?" Evan quietly asked, shoving the cup over toward the other boy. 

"Thanks." Connor grabbed it and sent a small smile toward Evan. "Is there anything else you're willing to give up?"

"I don't eat meat." Evan explained. "So there's not a lot of options, but I have a fruit cup?"

"You're vegetarian?" Connor asked.

For as long as he can remember, Evan's been a vegetarian. After his dad left, his mom became obsessed with how she looked, convinced that it was her fault that he left. She tried so many diets to try to make herself lose weight, becoming a vegetarian was one, and Evan told her that he would do them with her. Heidi decided to get herself some help after she passed out at work one night. She wasn't completely there yet, but she was getting better and vegetarianism just stuck with them.

"Oh my mom is going to love you. She's always trying to make gluten-free vegan lasagna, but Larry won't give her a chance. She'll be so happy to finally try it out." Evan's worry about Connor judging him vanished as the other boy continued.

"Oh." The lasagna was horrible, Evan remembered. She had made it the first time he came over for dinner in his past life. Was it a past life? Evan didn't know what to call it. "Sounds great."

Connor snorted. "I fucking doubt it." The lunch bell rang. Evan didn't realized how fast the time went by. The boys went their separate ways, Connor turned really quick and waved. "I guess I'll see you in math?" Evan nodded and smiled.

Walking to his English class, Evan ran into Zoe. She marched down the hallway straight to Evan with determination in her eyes. 

"Is my brother blackmailing you?" She asked, stopping in front of Evan. He could still see where the purple streaks in her hair used to be. "Because if he is, I can get him to leave you alone."

"What?" He stammered, confused.

"Why are you hanging out with my brother?" She rephrased her question, he could tell she was getting annoyed. Zoe's brows furrowed as Evan took a second to reply.

"We're friends." It came out more like a question. 

"He doesn't deserve you, Evan." He was surprised that she knew his name. "He's rude and impulsive and too horrible of a person for you."

Evan was shocked. This couldn't be the same Zoe he knew. The Zoe he knew was sweet and kind. The girl in front of him wasn't the girl he once loved. He didn't know this side of Zoe.

"He's my friend." The harshness of his voice startled him. "He has been nothing but nice since we've started to hang out." 

"Whatever." She huffed, glaring. "Don't come crying to me when he leaves you." She stormed off leaving Evan standing in an almost empty hallway dumbfounded.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edited: 12/29/18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I lied, here's chapter 6 lmao  
> Also I'm gonna try harder to write angsty Connor but he might jusy be ooc

When Evan gets home, his mom is sitting on the couch watching the news. 

"Hey, honey." She looks over at him when he opened the door. "How was school?" 

"It was okay." Evan smiled to himself seeing his mom. It was a rare thing to see her home when he got out of school. "How was work?"

"It was work." She sighed. "I got off this morning and thought we could go out to dinner before I go to class, how about that?"

"Sounds great." Evan shook off his shoes and dropped his backpack by the door and moves to sit by his mom. They sit together watching the show.

"Who's Connor?" The silence is broken by his mom. "His name is on your cast."

What was he supposed to say? He couldn't exactly say that he met him in what Evan dubbed as his past life. He went with a half truth.

"I met him on the first day of school. He offered to sign my cast when I was writing my letter in the computer lab." Evan felt a smile on his face. "He's been my friend ever since."

"You should invite him for dinner, Evan!" The tone of her voice let Evan know that she was excited that he had a friend that wasn't Jared. Honestly, he was glad too.

"Oh, okay." Evan grabbed his phone. "Tonight?" Heidi nodded. 

Evan really wanted to invite him, but his nerves held him back. What if Connor hated his mom? What would he do then? He can't be friends if he hates his mom.

"Hey," Heidi reassured her son. Evan didn't realize he said his worried thoughts out loud. "It'll be okay, I bet he's a nice boy."

That's how Connor, Evan, and Heidi found themselves at a little mom and pop diner down the road from Evan's house. Connor introduced himself to Heidi and she return the introduction. As they waited to order, Heidi asked Connor questions. 

"How old are you, Connor?"

"17," Connor started. "I'll be 18 in a couple of months though." Evan realized his didn't know Connor's birthday.

"Oh! Same with Evan!" Heidi smiled wide. The dinner didn't seem awkward at all to Evan, which was saying a lot since everything was awkward to him. He was glad that Connor was getting along well with his mom.

Finally, the waitress took their orders. A veggie burger for Evan with some curly fries, spaghetti with quinoa meatballs for Heidi, and a barbecue pork sandwhich for Connor. 

"You're sure you're alright with me getting this?" Connor asked.

"Yeah," Evan started. "We don't eat meat, but it doesn't mean you can't."

"Okay," Connor trailed off. Evan was brought back to thinking how this was nothing like the Connor he made up. His Connor never really had a personality, he never put much thought into it. But this Connor, he had problems. He still was angry and impulsive, but he was also considerate and caring. He was human.

Music flowed through the diner quietly as they ate. Connor occasionally swiping a curly fry from Evan, while Evan pretended not to notice. Heidi watched with a smile on her face. 

After dinner, the Hansen's and Connor made their way back to the Hansen's house. Heidi got ready for class and the boys sat in Evan's room. They switched between random topics of conversation from movies to music. 

"I like your mom, Evan." Connor said out of nowhere.

"What do you mean?"

"She's nothing like my mom. She really loves you. My mom seems like she could care less about what I say or think."

That made a flare of anger swell in Evan's stomach. He had seen how crushed she was when Connor killed himself. How she didn't stop crying for days, sitting in his room looking at all the things he had owned. How he sat through stories of a sweaters and that little bit of light Connor would show when he was happy.

"Maybe you should try to reach out to them?"

"Even if I could, I don't know where to start." Connor hugged his knees, head placed on top of them. He never looked away from Evan.

"You could try to calm down when they make you angry?" Evan didn't know what to say to Connor, he didn't want to over step his boundaries. "Maybe try not to be so angry with them? Like instead of yelling at them, take a few deep breaths and step out of the room?"

"I don't know if I can do that." Connor sighed. "But I can try."

Evan could tell the conversation was over. They sat in silence for a while before Connor suggested they watched a movie. 

"I'll set up my netflix," Connor reached for Evan's laptop, leaving no room for Evan to protest. "You can use it when I'm not here, if you want." 

"Connor!" Evan tried to protest, but Connor cut him off.

"I don't want to hear it, Hansen." The venom in his voice was playful. "Pick a movie."

Evan blinked, confused. It didn't take Connor long at all to put in his information to the website. Come to think of it, Evan didn't even see Connor open the computer.

"You choose." He muttered. Connor looked over at him for a moment before clicking on Mulan. "It's my favorite Disney movie." Connor explained sheepishly.

Halfway through the movie, Heidi peeked her head into Evan's room to wish the boys a goodnight before she went to class. They waved to her before settling back into the bed. Evan yawned and felt his eyes starting to close. He shook his head slightly to stay awake, but to no avail.

He woke up to a phone chiming loudly. The movie was over and the room was now dark. He heard Connor curse quietly before silencing quickly. Evan curled closer to the pillow he was laying on only to realize that the pillow was really Connor's shoulder.

"Sorry!" Evan shot up, now fully awake. "I didn't mean to use you as a pillow."

"No, it's okay. It was cute." Connor chuckled quietly. Evan felt a blush rise to his cheeks. "I do have to be heading out though. My mom texted me asking where I was."

Evan stretched his arms above his head. "I'll walk you to the door." He said through a yawn. They made their way downstairs and Evan opened the door for him.

"Hey, Connor?" He said as Connor made his way out of the house, stopping the brunette in his tracks. "Just try to talk to them. You can take it one at a time. Start with your mom." Connor nodded then disappeared into the night.


	7. Dinner with the Murphy's pt.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edited: 12/29/18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Here's chapter 7.  
> Please leave kudos and subscribe!
> 
> Spoilers in the notes, so instead of them being before the chapter, they'll be after the chapter.

The rest of Evan's school week was normal. He went to school and met up with Connor at his locker, went to his classes, had lunch with Connor, and then at the end of the day he went home. His house was usually empty when he arrived home, though. His mom either at work or having just left for class.

Evan placed his house keys in the bowl next to the front door. A note was attached to it stating that his mom had left for work and there was $20 for dinner. Evan sighed. He was used to this by now.

After kicking off his shoes, Evan made his way to his room. He felt exhausted, but he had no idea why. He hadn't talked with many people today, so it wasn't from too much social interaction. He also had gotten enough sleep last night, so it wasn't that. Evan just couldn't shake the feeling of tiredness from his bones.

The house seemed quiet, even more quiet than he was used to. When he's home alone, he could usually hear the buzzing of the fridge in the kitchen, or the sound of his mom's tv that she always forgets to turn off when she rushes out the door. But he couldn't hear anything.

"Maybe she remembered to turn it off?" He asked himself. The volume of his voice was low, but it was loud in the empty house. It echoed down the hallway.

He stopped by his mom's room and twisted the door handle. Shoving the door open, Evan's eyes instantly went to the allergy commercial playing on the tv. He frowned, scanning the screen for a small mute icon, but there was none.

"What the fuck?" His voice was sharp in the silence. He asked again, "What the fuck?"

He could feel himself starting to panic. His mind shot from one thought to the next, too quickly for him to understand any of them. Evan's breath hitched and he struggled to breath, his lungs started to burn. He stumbled backward into the hallway, his back smacking into the wall. He could feel his eyes watering from not being able to breathe.

Suddenly, the world froze. The allergy commercial paused. The fan on the ceiling of his mom's room did too. Evan couldn't even hear himself struggling to breathe anymore. Everything was completely silent. Then he heard it.

Crying.

It was a woman. Evan couldn't recognize who it was until they spoke. It was his mom.

"God no!" Heidi's voice was hoarse. The tone of it travelled up Evan's spine and he knew that it would be stuck in his head for a long time. "This can't be happening!"

The pain in his head returned full force, red and blue lights flashed all around him. Sirens blared in his ears, mixing with the sound of his mother's sobs. Everything getting louder and louder until his mother screeched. 

"EVAN!"

Evan's eyes snapped open to Connor leaning over him. He looked around gathering his bearings. He was in Connor's car, the faint smell of pot lingered in the air.

"Damn, dude." Connor leaned away from Evan. "It took me a good five fucking minutes to wake you up."

"Sorry." Evan was still groggy. What that all a dream? It seemed too real to be a dream.

"Anyway, we're here." Connor gestured out Evan's window to the house on front of them. "My humble abode, or whatever they say." 

"It looks nice." The house was bigger than his own house. It looked like it came right out of a Better Homes and Gardens magazine.

As he opened the car door, Evan suddenly remembered why he was here. Dinner with the Murphy's was tonight. Connor had texted Evan about it last night. Evan stumbled out of the car, the dream long forgotten and replaced by anxiety.

"Take your shoes off at the door. My mom will have a conniption if we don't." Connor held open the door for Evan.

Evan ducked under Connor's arm, and looked around the Murphy house. The memories of his past life flooded his brain. He remembered sitting on the couch and making up stories of him and Connor's fake friendship. He remembered how happy Mrs. Murphy, Cynthia as she insisted, looked as she ate the lies up. Evan felt slightly sick.

"Let's go up to my room before Larry comes home." Connor's hand reached out and grabbed Evan's elbow. The touch was light, like he wasn't trying to force Evan around. When they finally got to Connor's room and the door was shut, Connor spun around.

"Okay, what's up? You've barely said a word since we got here." He didn't seem mad, just confused.

"Sorry. I'm okay, just taking everything in?" Evan stared at the queen sized bed shoved into the corner of the room. All he could think about was kissing Zoe on that bed. It didn't help Evan feel any less sick.

Connor nodded and sat down on the desk chair. "Dinner should be done in about an hour according to my mom who texted me last period to tell me that she was starting dinner." He snorted. "She was that excited to make this lasagna."

For the next forty minutes, the conversation shifted between different topics. Connor made a joke about trees, which had Evan ranting for a couple minutes before apologizing.

"I've noticed something," Connor started. "You've opened up a lot more."

"What do you mean?" Evan looked over at the brunette confused.

"I mean," he started. "You don't stutter so much around me anymore, like you're more comfortable around me. You literally just went on a rant about a tree joke I made!"

Evan hadn't thought of that. He realized that Connor was right. He was more comfortable around him. Yes, he was still anxious, he would always have crippling anxiety, but it didn't flare as much as it used to around him.

"Connor." Evan smiled wide. "I'm syca-your shit."

"What? Oh my god!" Connor burst out laughing, clutching his stomach. "Is that a fucking tree pun?" Connor wheezed.

Evan nodded, laughing along with the other boy. Little did the two know, Mrs. Murphy stood behind her son's closed door, tears pooling in her eyes while she listened to a sound she hasn't heard in a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *SPOLIERS*
> 
> I promise that the first part of this chapter will not just be forgotten. I'll reference back to it in later chapters!
> 
> Also i don't know if it was clear that the sound Cynthia hasn't heard in a long time was Connor's laugh.


	8. Dinner with the Murphy's pt.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edited: 12/29/18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello here's chapter 8!  
> I decided to release them together cause it's like part 1 and part 2  
> Please comment and subscribe!

By the time Cynthia finally knocked on the door to tell the boys dinner was ready, the laughter had mostly quieted down. The two teens just sat there smiling to each other when Cynthia opened the door.

"Dinner's ready, honey." She said, breaking the two out of their trance-like state.

"We'll be right down," Connor didn't look away fron Evan, while the aforementioned boy looked down blushing. Cynthia smiled at them and left.

"We should probably head down." Evan muttered, standing up. Connor nodded and was up a second later.

"Hopefully this doesn't take a turn for the worst." Connor lead the way downstairs.

When they walked into the dining room, Larry and Zoe were already seated and Cynthia gracefully went around the table placing food on the plates. Evan sat down and thanked her when she served him.

"So, Evan," Cynthia started. "How did you and Connor meet?" It reminded Evan too much of his past life. The sick feeling returning to his stomach.

"We met at school." He started, before Connor cut him off.

"We've been friends for about a week now, mom." Cynthia smiled at the word 'friend'.

"Well isn't that lovely!" She chirped. Zoe snorted. "What?"

"I just think it's funny how they're 'friends' when the only time I saw them together before this week was when Connor called him a freak." Zoe rolled her eyes, before they landed on Evan. It made Evan feel like he was doing something wrong.

"What?! You insulted him?" Cynthia squaked.

"It was friendly name calling!" Evan tried to defend Connor, before things got too out of hand.

"You were crying." Zoe argued.

"I had other things going on, Zoe!" Evan snapped back, surprising Connor, Zoe, and himself. Zoe didn't put up another arguement.

The family and Evan sat in silence for awhile. Every now and then Cynthia would ask Evan a question and he would stutter out an answer.

Just like Evan remembered, the lasagna was terrible. He glanced around the table to see Zoe picking at her plate, Connor cutting his into little pieces, and Larry cringing after each bite. Cynthia didn't seem to notice her family's reaction to her cooking, instead she was focussed on Evan's.

"How is it, sweetheart?" She leaned over slightly toward Evan. "Connor told me you were a vegetarian, so I made sure to cook something without meat in it."

Evan nodded, a smile hiding the disgust he truly felt. "It's really good."

"Oh, I'm so glad you like it!" She clapped her hands together in joy.

Silence fell over the table again. Cynthia ceased her question asking, seemingly finally out of questions. Zoe still picked at her plate. Connor started kicking Evan's chair lightly in some obscure pattern. Evan retaliated by tapping the same pattern onto Connor's hand. Larry watched the two boys closely.

"So, Evan," the tone of Larry's voice made Evan tense. He felt Connor do the same next to him. "What's wrong with your voice?"

"Larry!" Cynthia snapped.

It was like a slap to the face. Evan felt embarrassment raise up in him, his face turning a slight shade of pink. Larry in his past life had never asked about his stutter, but Evan guessed it was because he ws being polite to Connor's last friend.

"What? It's a perfectly fine question." Larry stated. Evan felt Connor start to shake next to him. Evan didn't know what to do but sit there.

"It is not and you know it." Connor seethed, his voice dripping with anger. "I can't believe you would ask that. Actually, no, I'm not surprised. Of course you would fucking ask that, you dick!" Connor's voice steadily raised as he started to yell. Evan was shocked that Connor had gotten so defensive about Evan.

"Connor!" Cynthia tried to scold him, but she was just ignored.

"I don't see why you're getting so upset about this, Connor. It was just a question." Larry said nonchantly. Connor exhaled through his nose in anger.

"Because it's so fucking insulting! Evan is my best fucking friend, and I'll be damned if you degrade him like that." Connor glared at his father. Zoe sat back and watched the whole thing unfold, her eyebrows raising at Connor's statement.

Soon the arguement got out of hand. Connor was screaming profanities at his dad, while Larry sat there and argued back. Evan could tell he was trying so hard not to yell back at Connor, his voice raising to be louder then going back to a speaking tone. Both aggravating the other successfully. The yelling was getting too much for Evan. Cynthia moved around trying to break up the fight, and Zoe used this as her opportunity to throw away her lasagna without her mom seeing.

"Connor?" Evan placed a hand on Connor's to try to comfort him and help calm down. It was like a switch had flipped. Connor's voice cut off mid-shout, his body untensed, and he turn toward Evan with an apologetic look on his face.

"Come on, Evan, I'm taking you home." Connor helped Evan stand up and led him out if the dining room. Leaving the three remaining Murphy's standing there shocked at what just happened.

Connor opened the car door for Evan after they grabbed their bags from upstairs and put on their shoes. Connor had stuffed some extra clothes into his bag before they exited the house.

"Evan," Connor said as they made their way down the street. "I'm sorry that Larry asked you that."

Evan sent Connor a small smile. "Thank you for standing up for me like that."

"I meant what I said. You're my best friend. I'm not going to let anybody, let alone my own dad, say shit to you like that."

"You're my best friend, too." Evan grabbed Connor's hand. "I can't exactly fight anyone, but I'll try my best if someone degrades you too."

"Thanks, Evan." Connor smiled softly, his voice sincere. Their hands stayed together until they got to Evan's house.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello here's chapter 9!
> 
> Now this is just kind of a filler chapter, that still has a bit of plot in it. I don't know, I just really wanted to write Evan and Connor getting high together.
> 
> Also I've given up trying to have Evan stutter. Like he still does, but it's hard for me to write. 
> 
> Chapter 10 should be out in the next couple of days.
> 
> Please comment and leave some kudos!

Evan heard the lock click and shoved open his front door. Like usual, the house was empty. Evan's thoughts steered toward his dream from earlier today. He could hear the fridge buzzing and his mom's tv playing faintly in the back of the house. He glanced over at Connor, who followed him into the house.

If anything happened again, at least he wouldn't be alone.

"Evan?" Connor set down his bag on the couch and turned toward the other boy. "Do you mind if I smoke? I always do when I get into a fight with Larry."

"Smoke?" He asked.

"Yeah, like weed." Connor gave Evan a weird look.

"Oh." Evan didn't want to make Connor think he was lame because weed slightly freaked him out. But there had alwaus been a thought lingering in the back of his head about what it was like to get high. The curiousity got the best of him. He shook his head. "I don't mind?"

"Where should I go?" Connor started to dig into his bag and pulled out a small wooden box.

"Connor?" Evan tugged at the hem of his shirt, looking down. "Do you- can I smoke with you?"

The sound of Connor rummaging through his bag stopped. Evan looked up only to make eye contact with the other boy.

"I mean- I don't have to if you don't want me too!" He started to quickly amend.

"No." Connor cut Evan off. "I don't mind, but have you ever smoked before?" Evan shook his head.

"We can do it in my room." Evan's gaze never left Connor's. His eyes started to water from not blinking. "My mom won't be home until early morning. We just have to open a window."

Connor nodded once before finally breaking eye contact. "Alright." He started to walk out of the room. Evan trailed after him. As they walked toward Evan's room, the sound of the tv playing in his mom's room grew louder.

"Hold on." Evan opened his mom's bedroom door, his eyes going straight to the tv. He took in a sharp breath as he watched the allergy medicine commercial playing on the screen.

"Evan, you okay?" Connor's voice sounded concerned.

"Y-yeah fine." He quickly switched off the tv and shut the door. The door shut a little too loud, making Evan jump. "Let's go to my room."

Connor immediately went to Evan's desk and dropped the box on it and sat in the desk chair. He flicked on the lamp and opened the box.

The contents of the box stunk, Evan getting a clearer smell as Connor pulled them out. The smell getting more intense as a small bag of green leaves found its way on his desk.

"Wow," Evan grimaced. "That smells strong." Connor barked out a laugh.

Evan watched the others hands work. Pulling out a small chuck of weed and placing it in a grinder of some sort. Connor explained that it cut up the plant to make it easier to roll but to also make it easier to smoke. Soon enough Connor held up a joint, seemingly proud of himself.

"I'm going to warn you. You will cough your first time and it might hurt a little bit." Connor said as they both made their way over to Evan's bed, Evan making a small detour to open his window.

"I'm kind of nervous." Evan spoke honestly.

"You don't have to do it if you don't want to."

"No, I want to." He nodded, anxiety curling around his gut. "You know me, always anxious."

"Are you sure?" Connor asked. Evan nodded again and crossed his legs over one another. Connor held the joint out in front of him and started to light it before putting in his mouth and breathing in. As he exhaled, a cloud of milky white smoke left his lips along with a small cough.

"So what you'll do is breathe in slightly and try to hold the smoke in your mouth." Connor explained. "Since it's your first time, it'll burn slightly. You ready?"

"Yeah," Evan could feel his hands shake slightly, nerves running through his body. He gingerly took the joint when Connor passed it to him. Placing it between his lips, he breathed in. Instantly his lungs burned and harsh coughs overtook his body. His eyes started to water and he could feel his face turning red from the pressure.

"You good?" A laugh escaped Connor's mouth as he leaned forward to help Evan. Evan finally got his coughing in control. Patting his back, Connor stood. "Let me go get you some water."

As Evan waited he looked down at the smoking joint in his hand. It was so quiet in his room that he could faintly hear the paper crackling while it burned. He hesitated before trying to hit it again. He sucked in a breath, smaller this time. The burning wasn't so bad this time, and he managed not to cough. He could taste the sour smoke as he held it in his mouth.

Connor came back with the glass of water as promised and Evan exhaled, a cloud of smoke being released.

"You're a pro now, huh?" Connor snorted handing over the glass. Evan huffed out a laugh, as he gave Connor the joint back. Then they sat there, passing the joint back and forth to each other, clouds of smoke filling the room.

Evan felt weird. His arms were seemingly weightless and his head started to grow heavy. Connor looked much more relaxed than Evan had ever seen him. He slouched against Evan's headboard waving his hand slightly as he rambled on about different topics.

Evan took one last hit before dropping it because the embers touched his fingers. Connor picked it up and put it out against his shoe then throwing it in Evan's trashcan.

"How do you feel?" Connor asked, his voice slower than normal.

"Calm," was the only thing that made sense to Evan. "Usually, my brain is rushing from one worried thought to another. But now," he paused. "But now it's quiet."

Connor made a noise of agreement. "I get that."

A couple hours later, the boys found themselves in the living room. Connor was sipping on some juice that was in Evan's fridge. Evan sat on the couch, head on the armrest and legs over Connor's. His calf was being used as a makeshift table as Connor held his cup on them.

"We should do this again sometime." Evan exhaled a deep breath. "This is actually really fun."

"Yeah, we should." Connor yawned, patting Evan's calf. His eyes were slowly falling shut, his head hanging to the side. Evan sat up to grab the cup from Connor and put it on the coffee table. He went and got blankets from his room before coming back to the living room and draping it over Connor, who mumbled a 'thanks' and fell asleep.

Evan laid back down and looked over at Connor's sleeping form. He was so glad to have this weird second chance. He was glad to have gotten to know Connor. He was so glad to have Connor in his life. He drifted off to sleep with that thought in his mind, paying no attention to the sound of an allergy commercial playing on his mom's tv, even though he had turned it off.


	10. Obligatory orchard chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THE NOTES AT THE END

Evan woke up to the smell of pancakes. It violated his senses while he untangled his feet from Connor's, who was still asleep on the other side of the couch, and made his way into the kitchen. His mom stood by the stove, humming to herself as she flipped a cake.

"Morning." Evan's voice was scratchy from just waking up.

"Morning!" Heidi looked over at her son when he shushed her quickly. "Sorry!" She said much quieter.

"What are you doing?" He walked around the small kitchen island to sit at the bar behind his mom. Their attempt to be quiet failed as a disheveled Connor came shuffling into the kitchen to sit next to Evan.

"Good morning." He muttered and leaned his head on Evan's shoulder, making the blond blush. "Can I have some coffee?"

"I'd have to get up." At that Connor groaned, not wanting to move his head. Evan laughed softly. 

Heidi watched the exchange with a raised eyebrow and got a cup from the cabinet. Pouring coffee into it before sliding it over to Connor. 

"Ms. Hansen, you are a godsend." Connor exclaimed as she handed him creamers and sugar. Heidi shook her head smiling, turning back to the pancake that was slightly burnt.

"Evan, don't forget to take your medicine." Heidi reminded her son. Connor watched Evan get up and move to the cabinet holding his medication. Evan grabbed a juice from the fridge, taking a drink and gagging as he swallowed the pill.

"Are you okay?" Connor asked at Evan's choking noises.

"Yeah." He coughed. "I just haven't been a big fan of taking pills lately." Connor nodded and went back to coffee.

"What are you boys doing today?" Heidi asked, flipping the last pancake onto a plate and switched off the stovetop.

"Nothing really," Connor replied, making Evan look over at him in shock. He didn't think Connor wanted to actually hang out today. "Probably hang out at a park or something."

Heidi nodded and placed a plate of pancakes in front of the two boys, who thanked her and dug in. Nearing the end of breakfast Heidi stood up and grabbed her purse, she quickly kissed Evan and Connor's forehead before rushing out the door. Connor sat there frozen.

"What was that?" He asked, eyes near leaving the coffee mug he held in his hands.

"Sorry!" Evan yelped. "She didn't mean to, just reflex, I guess."

"Oh." The conversation died off there.

After breakfast, Connor refused to let Evan wash his dishes and Connor washed them himself. Everytime Evan reached to help, Connor would smack his hands away. The two laughed about it while Evan still tried to help.

To Evan, it was weird to see Connor smiling and laughing. He remembered all those years before now and how Connor seemed like someone who was unapproachable. Evan was glad to have become friends with him.

"Have you ever been to Sunnyside Apple Orchard?" Connor asked putting the last dish into the drying rack. Evan hummed out a no. "It's this old apple orchard, obviously, it got closed down a couple of years ago, but we could go hang out there today?"

"If it's closed down, wouldn't we get in trouble?" Evan raised an eyebrow.

"I go there all the time, and besides, no one has been there for years!" Connor exclaimed. "We totally won't get caught!"

\------

The sign that said 'Sunnyside Apple Orchard' was a dilapidated mess of faded yellows and muted blues. Connor parked his car right behind the sign so if a car did drive by, they wouldn't see it and catch the boys trespassing.

Sticks and leaves cracked underneath Evan's footsteps. Connor swore behind him as he stepped on another apple, causing him to slip and catch himself before completely falling to the ground. Evan snorted out a laugh every time the other cursed. Soon enough, the trees started to thin out and a clearing was becoming visible from where they stood.

"Holy shit." Evan's jaw dropped as he picked up pace. "Connor, this is amazing!"

Evan spun around to grab Connor's hand, dragging the other along with him to reach the middle of the clearing. Evan didn't notice the fond smile on Connor's face.

The two boys spent their day climbing trees, much to the hesitance of Evan, and laying in the grass. As the sun was going down, the boys sat in a low branch next to each other, talking quietly. It was like the world didn't matter, it was just the two of them. Evan had just gotten done telling a joke when Connor leaned over and kissed him.

Evan wasn't expecting it, but it didn't stop him from reacting after a moment of frozen shock. All he could taste of was Connor's peppermint chapstick. It was sloppy, this being Evan's first kiss. One of his hands found it's way into Connor's hair, tangling his fingers into the other's curls. Evan was honestly enjoying himself, until his brain caught up to him.

Anxiety spiked in his chest and thoughts of Connor hating him afterwards and judging him flew around in his head. He pulled away, suprising Connor.

"I'm so sorry!" Evan gasped.

"Evan-" Connor was cut off by the woop of a siren. Red and Blue lights flashed in the direction of Connor's car. "Shit!" 

The boys jumped down from the tree and raced to the car. They threw themselves in just as the police car rounded the corner, Connor sped off just in time.

"I told you!" Evan yelled over the sound of sirens. "I told you we were going to get caught!"

Connor just laughed, the kiss long forgotten until both boys were home behind their bedroom doors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, hi. It's been a bit longer than I usually update. I have a reason! One, I've been a bit busy this week. I went to my uncle's college graduation, which was a 3 hour car ride away. Plus, I've been busy with trying to catch up on school work since my grade are coming out next week.
> 
> Secondly, I am most likely going to go back and edit this story. As I've been writing this, I've just been kind of winging it. So when I can, I'm going to go back and edit to make a more structured story. Also it's 10 chapters in and I have basically only wrote in Connor, Heidi, and Evan as characters. I want to add more Zoe, Alana, and Jared. 
> 
> *SPOILERS*  
> Anyway, can you tell I don't write kissing scenes all that often? I'm trying to actually stir up some relationship here like I promised, but I haven't really shown any building relationship, so when I go back and edit, I will fix that. 
> 
> Please comment and leave kudos!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been awhile! Sorry for taking so long to update. With holidays and my mental health not being at it's best, it took me awhile to go back and edit everything. 
> 
> My story is edited! Well, as best as I could get it. PLEASE GO BACK AND READ IT IF YOU'VE ALREADY READ UP TO THIS POINT!!!!!!! I've changed a couple important things.
> 
> Please comment and leave kudos!!!

The rest of Evan's night was uneventful. His mom wasn't home when Connor had dropped him off, giving him the chills. He made himself some microwave mac and cheese and settled down on the couch to watch some netflix.

After awhile, the television switched to playing commercials. Evan yawned and stretched, the bowl that had mac and cheese in it long forgotten on the end table next to him. The blanket him and Connor used last night was still on the couch so he reached over to grab it and wrap it around his shoulders. 

He never usually felt lonely at his house. His mom worked all the time and it was only the two of them living there, so he was used to being alone. But he spent most yesterday and today with Connor and he wouldn't text Evan back, he looked multiple times to only be met with an empty inbox, so he couldn't help but feel lonely.

Evan's thoughts swayed over to Connor. The kiss still fresh in his mind. He knew that he had ruined their friendship by kissing him. Technically Connor kissed him first, but he probably regretted when Evan kissed back. Evan burrowed into the blanket and held back tears. He didn't want to lose Connor.

"Instead of staying sad," a voice brought Evan out of his thoughts. His eyes locked onto the TV, an allergy commercial was playing. A middle aged man chasing a dog ran across the screen before it cut to a shot of the man speaking to the camera. "I take-"

The television snapped off before the man could say the name of the medication, plunging Evan into complete darkness. He let out a small shriek. 

"You used me, you know?" A disembodied voice whispered into Evan's left ear. The voice was hoarse, like it hadn't been used in months. "This is your punishment."

Evan's eyes shot open to the sound of a laughing track playing on the tv. His breathing was heavy and his heart raced.

He grabbed the blanket and slowly made his way into the upstairs bathroom. Flinching back every time a stair creaked. Evan could feel his body shaking as he climbed into the tub and wrapped the blanket around his body again. 

It's been years since he found himself crying in the bathtub after a nightmare. When he was younger, he always thought he was safe here. Evan guessed old habits died hard.

The next morning, Evan found himself walking through the front doors of the school again.

"Wow," Jared's voice made Evan turn around. "You look like shit."

The blond sighed and continued walking to his locker. He didn't get anymore sleep last night. Heidi had walked into the bathroom, after she got home from work, to find him curled up and staring into space. His eyes bloodshot from the tears that had stopped hours before.

"Dude don't just ignore me!" Jared scowled.

"I just don't feel good, Jared. Please leave me alone." Evan kept his head down, he didn't want to think about the dream any longer.

"Nope. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong."

"Then I guess I'm stuck with you." Evan reached his locker and put in the combination, the door swinging open.

From the corner of his eye, Evan could see Connor swing around the corner. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Evan, a concerned frown etched on his face. Connor started to speed walk towards him and Evan felt his breath catch.

"Evan!" He yelled half way to the blond. "Are you okay?"

Jared shook his head, eyes sliding towards Evan for a moment's glance before falling back onto Connor. "He won't tell me what's wrong."

Evan stood dumbfounded, staring at the taller teen. He looked normal. Like he wasn't worried about their friendship and how Evan ruined it. That made anger boil up in Evan before wave of defeat washed over him.

"Sorry I didn't text you over the weekend." Connor's sentence cut off Evan's train of thought. "My dad ended up grounding me."

"Why?" Evan's voice croaked.

Connor's demeanor changed. His hand reached to scratch the back of his head, a sheepish smile gracing his face.

"That police officer ran my plates." He started. "She was at my house talking to Larry when I finally got home. She gave me a ticket and he took my phone and car keys."

Jared let out a snicker. "You got a ticket? For what?" 

"Evan and I broke into the old apple orchard." He shrugged.

Jared laughed and clapped Evan on the back stating how Connor was turning him into a bad kid, but Evan just stood there. He felt like an idiot worrying about how he could have ruined their friendship. But that didn't change how Evan felt about the kiss. Connor never mentioned it.

"We have. to get to class." Jared started to back away from the small group they formed. "I'll see y'all at lunch."

Evan grabbed the rest of his books, slamming his locker shut and turns toward Connor with a smile on his face. If he was going to pretend like the kiss never happened, Evan could too.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a tiny filler chapter! Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Please comment and leave kudos!

Throughout the entre school day, Evan could feel the worrying glances being sent his way. Jared almost never took his eyes off of him 2nd period. He even got them from the teachers.

Evan was shaken. Every couple of minutes he would look over his shoulder as if the owner of the disembodied voice would be standing there. He thought he could hear it, just barely a whisper in his ear, but he knew it was just his imagination.

By the time lunch came around, he was dead on his feet. It had obviously been showing because when he walked up to the lunch table, where Connor and Jared were sitting, Connor took one look at him and announced that they were skipping the rest of the day. No matter how much Evan protested, they refused to let up.

"Why can't we just have one full school day?" Evan asked, annoyed. 

"You want to go to school and get an education when you feel like shit?" Jared asked and Evan nodded. "That is the most irresponsible thing I ever heard."

"Jared's right." Connor stopped for a moment. "I'd never thought I'd say that. Holy shit."

Evan was surprised at how quick Connor and Jared were to become friends. Just a week ago they hated each other. He didn't understand it. They made it to the the front door before a voice stopped them. 

"Where do you think you're going?" The trio turned around to meet face to face with Zoe Murphy and Alana Beck.

"Zoe," Connor sighed and gripped the bridge of his nose. "We're leaving. Evan's not feeling good."

Zoe's eyes snapped toward Evan. Her eyes softened as she took in his disheveled hair and bloodshot eyes. She nodded in thought for a moment.

"Okay, but we're coming with you." The protests that started didn't help Evan's coming on headache.

"I have class!" Alana cried. "I can't miss them, my grades will drop!" 

"I don't have enough room in my car." Jared tried.

"Well we'll make room." Zoe's answer was final.

Connor shrugged. "Fine. As long as it get Evan out of here. He needs some sleep."

They piled into Jared's car. Zoe sat in the front seat while Connor, Alana, and Evan sat in back. Connor's long legs bent at weird angles for him to be comfortable. 

"Where are we going?" Jared pulled out of the parking lot, making eye contact with Connor in the rearview mirror. "My parents are home, so we can't go to my house."

"Mom stayed home today." Zoe turned around in the seat to look in the back.

"My mom's home, too." Evan murmured. She probably wasn't by now, but he didn't want to go home. Especially if it's where the voice was.

"We can go to my house?" Alana piped up. Everyone's eyes shot to hers. "My dad's are both doctors so they won't be home until later tonight."

"Tell me your address." Jared said.

\------

Alana's house wasn't what Evan expected it to be. He hasn't ever been here, even in his past life. Jared, Evan, and Alana did all their Connor Project work at school or over video calls.

He knew her parents were well-off, so when they pulled into a modest one floor house he was shocked. It was bigger and nicer than his house, but he excepted it to be more 'hey we have money, look at our big house!' like the Murphy's.

The group piled out of Jared's car and Alana made her way to the front door to unlock it. When they stepped inside, picture frames of Alana and her family lined the front hall. Zoe occasionally popped up in a few.

"Take your shoes off by the door." Alana piped up. "My dad will kill us if we track dirt through the house."

Evan could feel the lack of sleep catching up to him. He yawned loudly before flinching when everyone looked at him. When Alana suggested they go to her room, Evan was eager to agree.

Alana's bed was huge. Evan laid down and breathed a content sigh when his head hit the pillows, they were so soft. He yawned again, making Connor laugh.

"Go to sleep, Evan." Before he could finish his sentence though, Evan was already in a dreamless asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So funny story, I wrote the final chapter of the story but i haven't written the rest of the story.
> 
> Also I rewrote the summary of the fic! Hopefully it sounds better than what was before!!!
> 
> Here's chapter 13! Hope you enjoy!

When Evan wakes up, everyone else is asleep. His phone is ringing on the end table, but he can't roll over to reach it because Connor is wrapped around him like a koala. Evan can feel the heat rushing to his face. His phone goes silent after a few minutes and Evan gives up trying to squirm his way out of a pile of limbs.

Connor shifted and his grip around Evan tightens. He muttered something unintelligible in his sleep and Evan can feel the drool on his shoulder. Evan smiled to himself.

He doesn't know how long he lays there cuddling with Connor. He knew he shouldn't be enjoying this. Connor was sleeping, so he didn't know what he was doing. He probably would hate Evan when he woke up.

A noise on the other side of Alana's bedroom door breaks Evan out of his thoughts. He froze and panic rushed over his body. He thought the nightmares would be confined to his house, not following him to his friend's.

The door creaked open and a head poked through the crack in the doorway.

"She's sleeping," Alana's dad said to someone. Evan let go of a breath he didn't know he was holding. "I guess she had some friends over. There's four other people in her bed."

Evan could barely hear the laugh that sounded from the other man in the hallway. He guessed it was Alana's other dad. The door clicked shut and Evan was laying in darkness again.

"Are they gone?" Connor's hushed voice made Evan jump slightly. "I didn't mean to scare you." 

"It's okay." Evan shook his head.

Connor kept his arms around Evan for a second before sitting up and grabbing his phone from the end table. "Let's get out of here."

"Jared's sleeping," Evan sat up too. "We don't have a ride."

"We can walk." Connor shrugged, standing up. He walked to Alana's bedroom door and shoved on his shoes. "You coming?"

Evan nodded and put his shoes on as well. 

\------

After a short conversation with Alana's dad, Bill, the two boys left the house. There was no destination in mind. They just walked along the road, turning every now and then. 

Evan shivered, the night air was cold. It was getting closer to becoming winter. Connor eventually gave Evan his jacket after his teeth started chattering.

"Won't you be cold though?" He asked.

"I'll be okay." Connor shrugged. Evan felt slightly guilty for accepting the jacket, but he was grateful to be warm again.

The two boys stopped at a park and sat on the swings. Trees lining the land cut the park off from world. The street lamps casted an orange glow all around, making the world feel like something out of a movie.

"It's so beautiful out here." Connor's voice broke the peaceful silence. He rocked his knees back and forth to make the swing move slightly. "It makes me not want to leave."

"Yeah, I understand." Evan nodded.

Silence fell over the two again. Cicadas chirped in the trees and fog formed with each breath they let out. The scene was wrongly familiar. Realization dawned over Evan when he remembered why.

"I was going to kill myself out here." Connor said quietly. "On the first day of senior year."

Evan looked over to Connor, the boy didn't look back. Instead he looked up at the sky. The pale orange light made Connor's face look flushed. 

"I wasn't even going to leave a note." He continued, barking out a humorless laugh. "It's weird because sometimes it feels like it actually happened. But it couldn't of because I'm still here."

Evan took in a sharp breath.

"I had this dream the night before the first day of school." Evan began. "At the end of it, I ended up killing myself."

Connor finally was looking at Evan. He didn't say anything, so Evan continued.

"It was actually in this park. In the very swing I'm sitting in now." He looked down at his feet. "It was only a dream, but it felt so real."

He knew that it couldn't have been real, but too many things that happened in the dream happened again.

"Aren't we just fucked up?" Connor huffed out a laugh and Evan joined him.

It was moments like these that made Evan grateful that he survived his suicide attempt. If he was dead, he wouldn't have had the chance to get to know Connor. He wouldn't have known how amazing Connor really was.

"Evan?" Connor asked after they had calmed down.

"Yeah?"

Connor didn't answer right away, making Evan look over at the brunette. Connor was staring at Evan, his eyes scanning over his face. An emotion Evan couldn't decipher crossed his face. 

"Nevemind." Connor muttered before standing up and streching. "Let's go to your house. I'm getting kinda hungry."

As curious as Evan was to know what Connor wanted to say, he repected his privacy. "Okay."

As they walked, Connor stayed close to Evan. Promises of movies and shitty microwave mac and cheese waited for them at Evan's house.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost there!

"No one else signed your cast." Alana states at lunch the next day. Evan looked up at her in surprise as she set her tray down on the table. Zoe sat down next to her.

"No one's asked." Evan muttered, moving his arm slightly closer to his chest.

"I'll sign it!" Zoe chirps. "Do you have a sharpie?"

Alana reached into her bag and pulled out a pencil kit. Inside, an array of colored sharpies to choose from. She grabbed a purple one.

"I'm going to sign it, too." Jared said, reaching for the red one.

Alana grabbed a pick sharpie and signed her name in small letters beneath the 'R' of Connor's name. They all sign their names. Surprisingly, Connor's signature was still the biggest one on his cast.

"Thanks," Evan smiled brightly. It was strange for him to have this many people sitting with him at lunch. When just a month ago he had no one. Not even Jared. This was a very welcome change in Evan's opinion.

The conversation turned to last night. Jared bragged about the delicious dinner Alana's dad made them- Turkey burgers. Connor mentioned how Evan couldn't have it if they did stay. Zoe asked about what they did after they left. Evan told them about the movie they watched and the perfectly good mac and cheese he made. Even if Connor said otherwise. 

If you told Evan his freshman year that he would have a group of friends that he would be comfortable enough to joke around with, he wouldn't have believed it. In the chaos that was Zoe lending over the table to swat at Jared for making a horrible joke, while Alana giggled and Connor huffed out a quiet laugh, Evan smiled to himself. Today was a good day. 

So of course when he got home it turned from better to worse.

Heidi was rushing out of the door when he got home. Apologizes and curses flowed out of her mouth all the way to her car. The promise of catching up tomorrow was the last thing Evan heard from her.

He was alone again.

Since his nightmares started, Evan didn't like being alone in his house. He wished he could invite one of his friends over, but he didn't want to be bothersome.

Every noise he heard caused him to jump. Like something was waiting in the shadows to get him. After it got dark, it was worse. Every branch that hit the window, every creak of his old house, every howl of wind made him on the brink of a panic attack.

He sat down at his computer desk, ready to write his letter for Dr. Sherman. He had an appointment with him tomorrow and he had yet to write one. He started with the basic:

'Dear Evan Hansen, today was a good day and here's why:'

He wrote about Connor, Zoe, Jared, and Alana. About how they've become close friends. He wrote about the park, leaving important details out, and the sleepover. He wrote about how he was happy.

The sound of glass shattering made him freeze. His bedroom door was slightly cracked open and in the silent house the sound was deafeningly loud. Evan's breath caught in his throat. Panic already forming in his stomach.

Evan stood up slowly, his eyes wide. He licked his lips and let out a shakey: "Hello?"

No answer.

He could feel tears racing down his cheeks. He didn't know when he started crying.

He got to the door and slowly opened it. The door creaked making Evan flinch. The hallway was dark, the only light coming from the street lamp reflecting through the window.

Evan turned his head to the left and then to the right. Nothing was there. He lunged for the hallway light and quickly flicked it on.

At the end of the hallway stood a familiar figure. It's hair tangled like a rat's nest and it's arms and legs almost skeletal. 

"Who are you?" Evan whispered, his voice to weak with fear to go any louder.

The figure turned around. Before Evan could register anything, he was back in front of his computer. His letter wasn't there anymore, it was replaced by just the word: "why?" Typed over a hundred times.

Evan slammed his laptop shut and hurried out of his computer chair. He reached for his phone, shoving it into his pocket before running out of his house. Completely ignoring the broken picture frame on the ground in the hallway.

He called Jared to come pick him up. As he waited a few blocks away from him house, Evan came to a few realizations.

The first thing being that he should have grabbed a jacket. It was freezing cold.

The second one being, Evan was wide awake.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I am back!
> 
> I stayed home from school today because I think I'm getting sick lmao
> 
> So I finished this chapter, hopefully chapter 16 will be out soon. :)

Evan doesn't go back to his house. He can't. Not when he knows that something there is out to get him. It's been a week since Jared came and picked him up. Evan's been sleeping on Jared's bedroom floor since then. 

Evan knows that his friends know something's wrong. No doubt that Jared filled them in about him sleeping on his floor. They haven't asked him about it, but he can tell they really want to. 

Connor is the one that finally snaps.

It's just him and Connor hanging out. They're at the orchard. Which is weird to Evan, they haven't been back since the kiss.

A joint is being passed between them and Evan can feel the high slowly taking over his body. A tree branch cracks and falls a good distance away from the two boys, making Evan flinch violently.

"Okay," Connor stubs out the joint on his heel. "What is wrong with you? You've been jumpy all week."

"It's nothing." Evan murmurs looking away.

"No, it is something. It's obviously bothering you a lot."

Evan pauses for a second, making eye contact with Connor before looking away again. He let out a harsh sigh.

"You remember the night at the park?" Evan feels slightly light headed, like if he stood up he would topple right over.

Connor nods. "Yeah, you told me about your dream." He thinks for a moment. "You haven't thought about killing yourself, have you?"

Evan shook his head. "It's not that."

Connor made a motion with his hand as if to say, 'go on'. 

"Ever since I woke up," Evan let out a shakey breath. "Weird shit has been happening. I keep having these dreams- not dreams, nightmares. They seem so real."

Connor took in a sharp breath, a look of guilt crossed his face. Evan thought he must have misread it, he wasn't in his right mind anyway. He continued on.

"But last week," he breathed out, composing himself. "Last week it wasn't a dream. There was something in my house. I called out to it, and before I could see it's face I was back at my computer."

"Are you sure it wasn't just a very realistic dream?" Connor asked. "You could have just fallen asleep at your computer."

Evan didn't mention the words left on his computer. He just nodded. "Maybe."

"How about we go to your house and check around, huh?" Connor started to get up and Evan grabbed his hand to help himself up. 

"Okay, but as long as you're there." Evan didn't want to do this. 

The boys' hands stayed together until they reached the car. Evan blushed and pulled away when he realized it. Connor frowned, a small decline on his lips. Evan has hung around him long enough to see it. His eyebrow furrowed. 

\------

They pull into the driveway of Evan's house. Connor doesn't look at all distrubed, but Evan can feel himself shaking like a leaf. The house is empty, his mom texted him a couple hours ago saying she went to work.

"Are you okay?" Connor placed a hand on Evan's, calming the blond down slightly.

"Let's get this over with." Evan opened the car door and got out. Connor stayed behind for a moment before doing the same.

The door was unlocked when Evan tried the handle. A spike of fear drove down his back. 

"Doesn't your mom usually lock it?" Connor asked, standing behind Evan. The blond nodded.

The brunette flicked on the lights in the hallway. It looked relatively normal. The two made their way to Evan's room.

His laptop was still in it's same place. He opened it and waited for it to boot up.

"I don't see anything." Connor starts. "I think you were dreaming."

The computer dinged, making the boys' eyes snap over to it. Evan put in his password and it opened up to a word document.

There was his letter. Everything he wrote about before was back. Not the repeating 'why's. 

"I'm an idiot." Evan groaned and slammed his head down on his desk. Pain burst on his forehead.

"Hey," Connor patted his back awkwardly, not exactly sure what to do. "You were scared. I would have had the same reaction."

"Connor, I think I'm losing it." Tears started to prick at the corner of Evan's eyes. "These- these nightmares just seem so real."

A sob erupted from his lips.

"Come on," Connor helped Evan up. "Let's get some ice for your head and then watch a movie, okay?" 

Evan nodded. "I just don't know what to do."

"I know, I know." Connor said softly. The same look that Evan thought was guilt crossed Connor's face for a moment before disappearing. "I'll make you some tea while you pick the movie."

Downstairs Evan sat down on the couch and Connor went to the kitchen. He didn't touch the remote, instead he looked around the walls. Pictures that have hung from the walls for years lined them. Evan didn't notice the awkward space between two photos where a picture once hung. 

"Here," Connor came back into the living room, handing Evan a cup of tea and a small ice pack. "What do you want to watch?"

Evan shrugged and sipped the drink. "Nothing with a laughing track."

"Okay." Connor gave Evan a weird look.

They settled on Sherlock. Evan growing tired laid his head on Connor's shoulder, he felt the brunette tense but before he could apologize and move, he relaxed and laid his head on Evan's, his arm wrapping around his shoulder.

Later that night, Heidi walked in on the two sleeping peacefully. She smiled and placed a blanket on them, grabbing Evan's cup and ice pack to put in the sink.


	16. Chapter 16

No matter how hard he tried, Evan still couldn't sleep properly. The image of the silhouette in his hallway haunted more than just his dreams. It was the noise he heard at night, the movement he saw in the corner of his eye, the breath he could feel on his neck.

None of his friends knew. They didn't hear it, see it, or feel it. It made Evan feel completely and utterly alone.

He shakes constantly now. His hands are never able to stay still as he tries to write his letter for Dr. Sherman. The nearly empty coffee cup near the keyboard doesn't help. 

The click of the computer lab's door makes Evan flinch, but he doesn't look away from his laptop. 

"Evan." Alana's voice is soft, like she's trying to calm down a wild animal. "We need to talk."

The blonde sighs and twists around in his chair. "What do you want, Alana?"

He knows he being rude, he detests it, but he's so tired that he barely knows who he is anymore.

Alana coughs awkwardly. "I want to talk about what you're doing to yourself." When Evan doesn't reply, she continues. "You haven't been sleeping."

"I-"

"Don't try to deny it!" Alana cuts him off, her voice rising. "Don't think that we haven't noticed. Everyone is so worried about you."

She takes a few deep breaths. "Look, I didn't come here to yell at you. It's just- Evan you're one of my best friends. Yes, we haven't been friends for long, but- but you've made my life so much better. And as your friend, I'm making my duty to help you."

"Alana, no offense-"

"Nope, I don't want to hear it." Evan almost breathed a sigh of relief, he didn't know what he was going to say if Alana didn't cut him off. 

Evan's phone started to buzz, making him yelp in surprise. The alarm he set for his appointment as going off.

"Ah, shit." Evan rubbed his eyes and stood up on shakey legs. "I'm going to miss my appointment."

"I'll take you." Alana suggested. Evan only nodded.

\-------

The car ride was fairly quiet. Alana refused to drive with the radio on, something about her dad would kill her if he found out she was distracted while driving. Evan sat in the silence, his body involuntarily twitching every now and then.

"Too much of that stuff isn't good for you, you know?" Alana broke the silence as Evan sipped his coffee.

"I need it." Evan muttered. "It keeps me awake."

"Does this have to do with what's happened to you?" Alana took her eyes off the road for just a second to look over at Evan. "I tried to ask Connor, but he said that it was your business and he couldn't say."

Evan smiled to himself, it was a small thing but he knew that Connor cared.

"I've been having nightmares." The blonde starts. "Horrible nightmares, every time I go to sleep."

Alana nodded, a signal for him to continue.

"So I've been trying to find ways to stay awake until I can figure out what to do."

The car pulled to a stop outside of Dr. Sherman's office. Alana put her car in park before shuting off the engine. 

"What are you doing?" Evan asked. 

"I'm going to sit here and wait for your appointment to get over and then I'm going to bring you home. Talk to your mom about me staying the night, then you can talk to me about it, okay?"

Evan nodded, tears pricking at the corner of his eyes. He never knew he would have friends that would care about him so much.

"Thank you, Alana." Evan smiled at her. 

"What are friends for?" She smiled back before shooing him away to go to his appointment.

\----

Dr. Sherman's waiting room was bland. The only other people in it was a mother and her child. Heidi used to come here with Evan when he was younger, but that was before his dad left, before she had to take up more shifts at the hospital. 

Evan sighed at the thought. He moves his head to look at the door when he hears the lock click and it swing open. 

"Evan." Dr. Sherman's voice rings out from his office. Evan stands and makes his way toward the door. "Welcome back."

"Hey, Dr. Sherman."

"It's been awhile," he says as Evan takes a seat in front of the desk the doctor say behind. "Tell me how's life been treating you since the last time we spoke."

"It's been okay." The raised eyebrow from the doctor told Evan he didn't believe him. "I made some friends." The blonde tried.

"Tell me about them." Dr. Sherman nodded.

"Well, there's Jared, but you know about him. We've actually been getting along though."

"Well that's good!" The doctor smiled. "Any others?" 

"There's Zoe, I used to have this huge crush on her but I guess I don't anymore. She's really nice, and loves music. She's in jazz band." 

"Why do you not like her anymore?" 

"I don't know." Evan started. "I just woke up one day, and didn't like her like that anymore." 

Dr. Sherman nodded again and motioned for Evan to continue.

"There's Alana, too. She's really smart, but she worries me some times."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she's in a bunch of AP classes, so she already has a large work load. Sometimes I feel like it will get to be too much for her and she'll burn out." 

"Have you tried to help her?" Evan shook his head.

"But, she's going to spend the night at my house tonight so we can talk. Maybe I can speak to her then?" 

"Good idea, Evan." Dr. Sherman praised. "So any other new people in your life?" 

Evan nodded. "His name is Connor. He's my best friend." 

Dr. Sherman wrote a note in the legal pad he had on his desk. Evan tried to see what it said, but he wasn't at the angle to do that. 

 

"Tell me more about him."

"Well, he's Zoe's brother. Everyone at school is kind of scared of him. He's troubled, but he's working on it. Some things happened and we became friends." Evan told. 

"You sound like you really like him." Dr. Sherman placed down his pen and brought his hands clasped together on his desk, leaning forward. 

"It's complicated. Evan looked down.

"Ah." Dr. Sherman murmured.

\----

After his session was over, he met Alana back at her car. Evan wasn't suprised when he walked up to the window to see her with an AP History textbook out. He knocked on the glass to get her attention.

"Can I get in?" He asked, opening the door when he heard the lock click. "Thanks."

"No problem," she replied. "We have to stop at my house to get clothes, is that okay?" 

Evan nodded, "I'm going to text the others and have them come over too. I want to tell you all about what's going on. I think I'm ready."


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mainly dialogue tbh

When Alana pulled into Evan's driveway, the Murphy's car was parked in it. Evan opened the car door and made his way into his house. 

"Evan, sweetie," Heidi's voice sounded from the kitchen. "I didn't know you were going to have friends over! I let them in, they're in your room."

Evan grimanced. He forgot his mom didn't work today.

"Thanks, mom."

"I'm making tacos for dinner, will they be staying?" 

"Uh, yeah. I think so." Evan called back. 

Evan and Alana waved to Heidi as they passed the kitchen to get to the staircase. Zoe's faint whispers echoed through the hallway. 

"Jared!" She snapped. "Stop going through Evan's stuff!"

"I know they're somewhere- aha!" Just as Evan opened the door Jared pulled out a bag of candy Evan had hidden in his sock drawer.

The blonde sighed as Jared smirked at him. 

"You thought you could hide them from me but I'll always find them!" Jared laughed as he popped a sucker in his mouth.

Evan looked around the room. Zoe sat in his bed, months ago he would be freaking out but now he's just glad she's here. Jared stood by his dresser, closing the drawer he pulled the candy out from. Connor sat in his desk chair, idley spinning back and forth. Alana moved to sit next to Zoe.

"So what did you want to tell us?" Connor asked, sounding slightly bored. 

"My mom wants to know if you're all staying for dinner. She's making tacos." Evan deflected. 

"Heidi makes amazing tacos, so of course I'm staying." Jared said.

After everyone agreed to stay, Evan finally sat down right in front of Connor, halting the other's spinning. He could feel Connor's knees press into his shoulders.

"Zoe will you shut my door?" The brunette complied with Evan's request. "I've been going through a tough time lately."

Jared snorted. "No shit."

"Jared, let him finish!" Alana snapped, slapping the back of Jared's head.

"I think I'm going crazy." Suddenly the atmosphere in the room changed and all eyes were on him. "I keep seeing these- these things. But when I blink they disappear."

Evan was met with silence, so he continued. 

"But that's not even the beginning. Before the first day of senior year I had a really weird dream. That it was the first day of senior year and it played out almost exactly how it did in real life, but in my dream, Connor ended up killing himself at the end of the day." Evan could Connor tense up behind him. 

"What do you mean?" Zoe's voice shook.

"Exactly what I said." Evan said slowly. "Connor killed himself and Jared, Alana, and I all used his suicide to help other people. To help your family."

Jared threw away the stick of his sucker. "Evan that's fucked up, even for you."

"It helped so many people, but eventually the truth came out and it blew up in my face. Everyone hated me."

Alana stayed quiet, making a motion with her hand so Evan could go on.

"I didn't mean for it to happen. It was just that Connor signed my cast and then took my therapy letter and your parents thought we were best friend. They thought my letter was his note." Evan looked down.

"Evan," Connor began. "If it was a dream, then why is it effecting you so badly?"

"Because it felt so real!" Evan snapped. "Because when I killed myself at the end of it, I woke up here!" He took a deep breath. "I woke up to it being the first day of senior year again and the day began to play out exactly like my dream."

The room was quiet as Evan tried to muffle his sniffles. He didn't realize he was crying.

"Ever since I woke up from that dream. The dream that I was conviced was my life for almost a year. I started to go crazy. I keep hearing sirens, and a couple weeks ago I saw a figure in my house!"

A knock on the door made everyone freeze.

"Guys, dinner should be done soon. Evan are you okay?" Heidi opened the door to see her son crying on the floor. 

"He just hit his arm while he was trying to sit down, Ms. Hansen." Connor smiled sweetly. "You know how clumsy he can be with his cast." 

Heidi nodded and looked back at Evan. "Come downstairs, honey, and I'll get you some ice." 

Everyone stood up and made their way out of the room and into the kitchen. The smell of cooked tofu filled the group's senses.

"We'll talk after dinner." Alana whispered to her friends. They all nodded in agreement.

Heidi grabbed a bag of peas from the freezer to hand to Evan, before dishing out plates of food to everyone. 

"How was your appointment, Evan?"

"It was okay, Alana drove me and waited until it was over to bring me home."

"That's so nice of you, sweetie!" Heidi looked at Alana. Alana smiled back. "Can you introduce me to all of your friends?"

Evan blushed. "You already know Jared and Connor." 

"That I do." Heidi laughed.

"This is Zoe, Connor's sister, and Alana. She's in our grade." Evan pointed to each girl respectfully.

"It's nice to meet you both." 

After that dinner continued almost quietly. Every now and then one of them would laugh at something the other said. Evan pretended to not see Connor put the food he didn't like on Evan's plate and taking the ones that Evan didn't like for himself. Zoe was the last one to finish her food.

"Thank you, Ms. Hansen." She placed her plate in the sink.

"Oh, please! Call me Heidi." Zoe nodded. "Well I have to get to work, so you kids have fun tonight!"

Heidi grabbed her purse and her keys from the table by the front door, leaving the house.

"You want to know what will make everyone feel better?" Jared asked, grabbing his backpack from the living room couch. "I broke into my dad's alcohol cabinet." 

"Jared, really?" Alana shook her head.

"Hey, we all need to loosen up a little. Especially with what Evan just told us." 

"I'm down." Connor raised his hand slightly. 

"Me too." Evan muttered.

"There's a first time for everything." Zoe shrugged.

Everyone in the room turned to Alana. 

"Oh, what the hell."

\----

Two bottles and a half later, the group was drunk. Jared laid on Alana's lap rambling about the most random things, while Alana ran her fingers through his hair giggling. Zoe was clutching on to a bottle like her life depended on it. In the kitchen, Connor sat at the table while Evan stumbled around looking for some snacks to eat.

"Evan?" Connor asked all of a sudden. Evan hummed to let him know he was listening. "Why didn't we talk about our kiss?" 

Evan dropped the box of snack cakes he was holding. 

"What do you mean?" He stammered. He didn't think he was drunk enough for this conversation. 

"In the orchard." Connor stood up and made his way toward Evan. "We kissed. Then nothing. Why didn't we do anything?"

"I thought you regretted it. You were acting like nothing happened when we went back to school." Evan frowned. 

"Can I kiss you?" Connor was in front of Evan now. He could smell the alcohol on the other's breath. Evan could only nod.

Suddenly, Connor's lips were on Evan's. Contrary to popular belief, Evan's world didn't explode into fireworks, it felt exactly the same. All his worries still frightened him, but he allowed himself this moment of pure bliss. 

A sharp wolf whistle made them break apart. 

"Get it, Evan!" Jared called out. "Just give me one of those snack cakes before you get it on in the kitchen."

Evan felt the blush rise to his cheeks. He kicked a cake over in Jared's direction before looking back at Connor, who was still looking at him. 

"Don't forget to use a condom!" Jared teased as he left the room. 

"Can we do that again?" Evan asked the taller boy. Connor nodded before locking their lips again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao i can't write kissing scenes


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good luck guys
> 
> *SPOILERS IN THE END NOTE*

Days pass by. Instead of nightmares, Evan's life is filled with affection. For the first time in a very long time, he was happy. Evan shoukd have known that it wouldn't last long. 

It's night again. Evan had finally stopped worrying about the darkness of his house. He stood in the kitchen filling up his cup with water to take his medicine. His house is quiet.

Evan turns off the faucet and turns around. He can't hear the ice clink in his glass.

A sharp sound pierces his ears as the tv clicks on. Placing his glass on the counter, Evan makes his way into the living room. The tv was playing an allergy commercial. It was different than the one he watched before.

On the screen was a woman, maybe in he mid-thirties, holding a box of the nearly unpronounceable medication. She stood in her front garden and bees would fly by every now and then.

"-helps me when I'm having a bad allergy day!" The woman's voice cuts through the harsh high pitched noise. "It's even safe for kids over the age of 10." 

One thing stood out above everything else, though. A silhouette of a man stood far behind the woman, moving in a way the seemed inhuman. Slowly, it started to get closer and the woman became disfigured as the silhouette started to reach out of the the tv screen. 

Evan couldn't hear himself scream as he ran out of the room. Tears streaming down his face, racing toward the staircase to hide in the bathroom. 

Evan grabbed the door handle, but paused to turn around before opening it. 

Connor stood at the end of the hallway. He wasn't facing Evan. Something about him left an uneasy feeling in Evan's stomach.

"Connor?" Evan called out, letting go of the handle. "What are you doing?" 

"Why do you get to be happy?" Connor asked quietly. Evan froze. The sound of Connor's voice was different, gravelly. He knew exactly where he heard this voice before. It was the one he heard in his dreams, his nightmares. 

"What?" Evan couldn't believe this. "You really think that I'm happy?"

"Why wouldn't you be?" Connor- not Connor- sniffed, Evan didn't realize he was crying. "I ended up giving you everything. Even before I took your afterlife."

"What?" Evan asked again. "I don't understand."

"I gave you everything." Connor repeats. He turned around, something about his motion didn't seem right. He seemed to lag like a video game. "I gave you friends, a girlfriend, even a family. Nobody cared about me. Not really. All that ever came from my death was good."

Evan stood, frozen. Connor couldn't really believe that, right? People were crushed when he died. His mother sobbed for days. How could he believe that? 

Connor- it couldn't be Connor- let out a low chuckle that left Evan's hair stand on end. "Of course you have nothing to say, it's all true." He shook his head in laggy motion.

"Wait," Evan processed what the not Connor said. "You took my afterlife? Does that mean I'm dead?"

"You died when you took those pills, Evan. You've been dead since you woke up on the first day of senior year."

"When I took those- you were there!" Evan pointed at him. "You were there, you told me to take them!"

"How else was I supposed to get you here?" 

"But," Evan dropped his hand. "But what about my dreams? I could hear sirens and- and my mom. I heard my mom scream."

"Sometimes the world of the living crosses paths with the world of the dead." Connor explained. "What you heard was what your physical body could hear."

Evan dropped to the ground in defeat. The world went silent, the only noise was the clock ticking on the wall and Connor's breathing. He could feel Connor sit right next to him. 

"At first I wanted to punish you for-" Connor cut himself off, sniffs filled the silence. "For using me."

Evan stayed silent.

"I didn't expect this though." Connor murmured laying his head on Evan's shoulder. "I didn't know you would be nice to me."

That made Evan glance over at the brunette whose head was on his shoulder. "I fell in love with you and I can't stand it. I can't figure out how you could love me after I did all of this shit to you."

"I didn't know you were doing it." Evan reached for Connor's hand on the floor. Connor didn't pull away. "But why did you keep doing it?"

"I was trying to justify myself. I conviced myself that you deserved it. But no matter what, I will always be sorry." Connor whispered. "Do you love me? Even after everything I did?"

Evan nodded. "Yeah, I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it! I hope you all enjoyed this story. I tried to hint at the fact that it was Connor all along. Kudos to @3131934 for guessing it!!
> 
> I'll probably write an epilogue for this story to wrap it all up, but the main storyline is finished!
> 
> Thank you for all of the love I have gotten on this work, please stay tuned in the future for some more work.

**Author's Note:**

> So I hope you all enjoy this chapter! Please comment and subscribe. Criticism is allowed, but please be nice?


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